Dinner -  eating, drinking, laughter and discussion.

Tonight, a simple dinner turned into a mutual analysis. (Never have dinner with a shrink, they do not have a day off and always need to practice!!)

We traded information – business. We started a discussion -personal. Did you know that we all have an inner child, parent, adult? Nor did I. Each part of us interacts with others on a different level. Parent – child, adult – adult, child -parent, and vice versa.

My outer person is adult. Always stolid, sensible, practical and boring

My inner person is child. Needy, wanting, hopeful and full of dreams.

I always allow my outer person to take precedence. Denying what I really want because that way I am always in control. Bored, and boring, but in control.  Makes sense.  For my whole life I have always done what is right, and not what I want.

Enlightening!! maybe it’s time I did what I want, not what I think I should. Because I don’t have forever, but I do have now!

My love aways manages to suprise me with something. He is so thoughtful.  Books, wines, discs, flowers, even very special ’shoes’.

The night before we were due to part yet again, he managed the biggest suprise so far!

It’s not oftenI am stuck for words, but finally he managed it!

There was only one answer.’Yes please’.  I want to share my new freedom (see below) with someone with whom even the silent times are special. Someone who understands me so well that he picks up on my moods and solves them without me saying anything. Love is ……..

That sometimes, if I moan too much, it can cause untold harm

I moaned about my job and lo, it is no more. Serves me right really. I should be (I am) quite worried. It is no fun not having an income. The bills loom large, I have a mortgage to pay or a house to sell and the shopping expeditions are no more.

BUT

why is it then that I feel such a sense of freedom? A sense of a new beginning, a chance to start everything again. Perhaps because I am always so damn stolid, have always done ‘what is right’, and now I have a chance to do just what I want and I really like the idea!! :p

I didn’t post anything here for ages. I know not why, perhaps I just lost heart with writing my musings.

Sometimes, life is a pain in the ass, and other times it is wonderful. These last few weeks have been a bit of both, causing me to be both ecstatically happy and bloody miserable, not a good mood swing trend at all.

I enjoyed a wonderful time with some delightful friends and my special person. Was it really only two weeks ago? The days flew by and all too soon I had to return to normal, dreams diminished and life took over again. Work has been a trial, everyday life has been a trial, I really wish I could make changes, huge changes, because right now I am just not happy here.

I ponder the meaning of life – real life -not why are we here on earth. It all seems to be work, fight and sleep and nothing much more. Is that really all there is? If only I didn’t need a job to exist, if only my IM work would take off and make me the income I need, if only… yeah, if only!

If a blog is somewhere to expose your deepest thoughts and feelings, then perhaps I should make a new one, keep the address to myself and use it for ranting and deliberating. Or maybe, I should just do as I always do and just keep them to myself…..

I was told last week that I am a person that ‘everyone likes’. What sort of comment is that? Is my life so insignificant and pointless that I am here just to please everyone? Perhaps so. I have always, always put other peoples feelings before my own. Always given consideration to what I say and do, so that I don’t cause hurt or upset. Somewhere along the way though, I lost me. I am sure I am inside somewhere, there are little thoughts and words that reverbrate in my head, protesting that I too have feelings, I too can be upset, hurt and angry, without the whole world coming to a halt, without anyone noticing or even caring.

I spent the whole day smiling, a false painted on smile, nothing deep and meaningful about it, but hey, I’m always ok, so who would know?

My epitaph. ‘Here lies Katie, everybody liked her’ – except that I don’t like myself, at all!

I didn’t post here for quite a while. After the last post I couldn’t really think of anything to say.
The funeral was held on the day I had booked to travel. I debated, discussed, deliberated and decided. Life goes on, it always has and it always will. Life – fragile, sacred, no matter how many the years, there are never enough. With love and thoughts, we carry on, and slowly the pain lessens, slowly the sun shines again. But the memories remain.

Happiness is fleeting , hold on to what you can!

Why do they do it? WHY, why why!

24 and dead, leaving a little child and a whole load of heartbroken friends and family. She was such a beautiful child, a lovely young woman, and now she is gone.

My heart is throbbing with pain, I cannot stop crying, and it’s all pointless cos nothing will mend it.

I want arms and hugs, love and kisses, and reassuring words. I have none of those and just have to support those who are even more affected than I am.

Life is a bitch, and sometimes, I just bloody well hate it!

In discussion today, it was said that nothing has a meaning until we take the time to give it one.

This got me thinking. How do we give meaning to things / people / places? Is it conciously, sub conciously or unconciously? Does this mean that everything is meaningless until recognised, or that things are instantly given meaning immediately we see them.

Does life have a meaning? If so, what? If we do not give our lives a meaning, then are they pointless wastes of time, or still vehicles for learning, teaching, blossoming and growing.

Sometimes, I need to find more to do!

There are times when it is best just to admit defeat. Give up, make that decision to stop doing something that takes time, effort, energy and only brings back sleepless nights and worry. Times, when after banging your head against a brick wall for a long time, you finally realise that all it does is HURT!! (and apparently helps you lose weight, but thats not a good enough excuse.)

Sometimes, there is no other solution.